OMG. Look what elevated company a dog poet has been invited to join. There is lot to eat and drink here, at the end of summer party, and all these fascinating writer people for a dog to meet. Just one question… who is going to stop me eating too much and keep me away from the red wine?
I’m so excited to be invited to the party I’m inclined to do a 4 step jig 🙂
A great big welcome Buzz, to your new home and the extended family. I thought I would offer you some hard learned advice from an old paw who has been there, done that and… they nearly got me to wear the T shirt.
Here are 10 top tips for dealing with the human kind during your first few weeks.
1. Suspend Disbelief
Oh Buzz, it is such a strange place that you have been catapulted into. The world of two legged things is such a mysterious cavern and all we can do is navigate the contours of their lives with charm and wit. The first lesson is pretend you know every word they say. Cocking the head, in a display of trying to understand, seems to ignite something that might bring you a treat or two. The hard truth is that we are very good at getting to understand their language, not many of them take the time to truly understand ours.
2. Behave impeccably
Go gently into this foreign land and lure them into a false sense of security. Lots of tail wagging and doleful looks seems to do the job, in addition to a pretence of obedience: coming when you are called, sitting when commanded and that pathetic gesture of begging for treats with paw held dangling in mid air. I know it’s all a bit demeaning but it’s just a holding measure. The real fun can come when they think you are the best thing since sliced bread, whatever that means.
3. Forget the soft furnishings (for now)
However tempting they appear, stay off the soft furnishings. When to attempt the leap is a judgement call that comes with age. I always knew my bipeds were a soft touch in this department so had occupied my rightful place, on the sofa, within a couple of weeks. Word has it (from a little Norfolk bird) that your people are a little more determined. My advice is to play the long game though, if they should forget to close the living room door, JUST GO FOR IT.
Update for readers – clever Buzz, clearly you have done a good job, on the wrapping the humans around your little paw, offensive, and have sorted them out. I am full of admiration. GOOD ON YOU, little boy.
4. Dining In
Eat everything within sight or smell. You just never know when they’ll forget to feed you. Admittedly, it hasn’t happened to me yet but I’m not hedging my bets. How many sausages did you manage at the Barbecue last night? By the way, there’s some lovely licking to be done around that machine in the kitchen that generates heat about 6 o’clock every night 🙂
Don’t eat quite everything within sight or smell. The lovely full plates at the table next to yours are definitely off bounds. Just Let your people know what a struggle it is to contain your interest and what embarrassment you are saving them from. After that juicy treats are bound to come quick and fast.
5. Remember the Ann Robinson Manoeuvre
Go for the weakest link. There always is one. Do the adorable eye contact bit. Stick to them like super glue and, if they dare to say NO, look like you have never, EVER, been so offended.
6. Best boy
Don’t offend the guests. You can get away with so ooooo much if you behave nicely when the visitors arrive. Let’s face it, your people want to show you off as the best thing since… well, that bread thing again. Let them down and you’ll be toast. Play up and play their game. It will give you so much mileage for mischief later on (hee, hee).
7. Transport captain
Try your very, very best not to correct the driver. I know, I know… it’s very scary and they often go the wrong way – mainly to the shops, instead of the park. Later on you can correct their woeful mistakes. I find that a paw on the drivers shoulder brings them up with a start. I think that’s what’s called a back bark driver.
8. The Queen’s Head
Don’t attack the postie. It’s brilliant fun later but, wait until you have got your self under the duvet every night. Then it’s the right time to test out the tenderness of the ankles sent by the Royal Mail. If however, the wait is too frustrating go for the mail itself instead. I’ve found that chewing up the brown envelopes doesn’t provoke too much recrimination.
9. Cuddle up
Don’t forget the cuddles. It has to be admitted that this is a win, win situation but don’t ever let on that you love it too. There’s a thing called unconditional love that we are meant to specialise in. Don’t, whatever you do, let them know that there are strings attached. They roll over and give us what we want anyway, if you abide by the rules above.
10. Don’t forget the bard
During this early, trying period, retain your dignity. Never forget that you are observing these cardinal rules so that, in a little while, you can assert your true personality: DIGGING, SNAPPING, BARKING, RUNNING OFF, GENERALLY PLAYING MAYHEM… By this time you will be able to do whatever you like WITH IMPUNITY.
“This above all: to thine own self be true”.
I ended last years annual review by wondering if life could get any better for a young, sometimes troubled, rescue dog. Well, have I got news for you? However, I had a dilemma – where on earth to start. David said I had to mention how high I’d climbed and – quick as a flash – big border collie brain in gear.
Now, with the help of another great thinker, a certain Mr Maslow, I can let you know what I’ve achieved in 2017 and also, why I was able to. According to Abraham – a 1940s scholar and not a biblical one, despite the name – we’ve all got needs that have to be met and they come in a lovely big colourful triangle.
It’s a bit like a game of snakes and ladders. You start at the bottom and once these needs are met you get on the ladder… this takes you up to the next level. Then, Holy Moses, you can be nearly at the top and still come a cropper, doing a big slithery thing down a venomous snake. As far as I can ascertain, with a bit of insight from my friend Google, I seem to be the only dog writing on this subject at the moment.
Level one – basic needs
Mr M says that I need my tummy full ALL THE TIME and I can personally validate the reliability of his research. Andy (the best vet in the universe), put me on the scales only today and confirmed that this joyous need had been met; a little too well met as it turns out. Apparently, I also need a supply of fresh water constantly at my disposal. Two ceramic bowls that decorate the bedroom and living room floors, full to the brim and accounting for the thread bare carpet around them – fulfil this need, with the dog beer in the fridge being – it seems – just an added extra.
On a more delicate note and still in the red zone, I also need frequent visits to the garden – if you get my drift – and I’m happy to report that there haven’t been any accidents in the house again this year. That’s more than you can say for the old girl. What with the mind falling apart and the body disintegrating, we are experiencing a few whoopsies here and there. Though it’s not all bad news, I hear the profits on pet deodorising spray at Tesco have shot up.
Level two – safety needs
Keeping Ben safe, now there’s a story and it is BIG on my people’s agenda; something to do with the ankle nipping tendency, me thinks. Hats off to them, they do their best and, even three years down the line, are still coming up with creative ideas to help me focus my anxiety on more socially acceptable outlets. In pursuit of this lofty ideal, 2017 saw the pointing of nozzles – attached to tubes of Primular – right at my mouth, whenever anyone passed; nothing wrong with that. 🙂 Perfectly timed and – squeezed with a nice even pressure – they have proved spectacularly successful, also giving witness to the astonishing length of my tounge. Timing sadly, isn’t always top notch, so we have also introduced a rather moreish little herbal remedy called ‘Complete Calm’, my medication of choice. It has a mildly tranquilising effect and makes for a rather mellow Ben, most of the time. However, it isn’t up to the mark when ankles pass at speed, or when they are close to a couple of wheels travelling at speed. Desperate remedies accompany these extremes, including restraint on a leash, to save me from myself and make sure I am able to fulfil my safety needs.
While on the subject of level two needs, I must say that – even if I am just a pooch with a laptop – I rather take issue with old Abe, as we like to call him, about an important omission. He is – quite rightly – big on safety and security. However, he totally misses the importance of comfort needs and so doesn’t give the physical and metaphorical significance of the soft furnishings a look in. I knew when, within 5 minutes of arriving, I was tucked up beside B on our sofa with my own – rather attractive – throw, that I was going to have all my needs met at this strange place I had fetched up in. To prove my point, and to amuse my good friend Mary McCarthy, I have inserted a little moving gallery.
Level three – Social needs, all about Ben belonging
2017 has really cemented my journey from orphan pup to happily ever after, via the dedicated work of Animal Concern West Cumbria (Click Mickey), and my wonderful temporary accommodation with foster people, Gavin and Wendy. Admittedly, living with 2 legged things is a v. v .v odd and sometimes alarming experience. I mean they spend all day putting things on and taking them off again: whey they get up, go out, come back in, when the fire is hot, when the fire is cold, when we go to bed… Why would you do that? I’m not even going to mention when we go out for our walks, dizzy doesn’t come anywhere near it. Then there is this small room, that I never go into, but which my people spend hours in in, all on their own. Sometimes, when I snuggle up close to the door while waiting, I get the benefit of a Turkish bath from the steam that creeps out from under the door. Having settled into this weird and wonderful place, with the ever mysterious human race – and not forgetting the old girl – I have somehow become confident of a place where I belong and now call home.
And that really is just the start of my social life. I’ve got a little mouse called Mickey, who has taken a shine to my van, and a feline friend from Devon that I correspond with now and again. Then there’s my trio of loyal canine followers from Norwich and a few pals from my old dog obedience class. Topping it all, there’s a whole bunch of us who meet in the forest most days, on our morning constitutionals, which includes my very best pal Oscar, who I introduced you to in my review of 2016. I have an internal struggle when I see him, because his person comes with a nice succulent line in treats. I’m never sure who to say hello to first, Angela for my level one needs, or Oscar for my level three ones. Our games are still just magic, and the electricity generated really should be sold off to the national grid as a substantial contribution to the renewal energy strategy.
To top all this I’ve got a whole band of two legged things who are friends, fans, followers and supporters. 2018, is going to see me and my young cousin Bobby making headlines, when he comes to visit me in the Lake District and I just can’t wait – watch this spot. Then, of course, there’s Bumble, as ever making my tummy go all fluttery and my heart beat faster.
I think I can say, with a degree of confidence, that level three needs are done and dusted so… going up.
Level four – esteem needs
Well, with all that going on I’d have to be a bit soft in the head not to feel a bit puffed up, wouldn’t I? Anyway, soft in the head is Labrador, not Border Collie territory. As a result I’m something of a buoyant little fellow, though sometimes – I’m told – my head gets a bit too big for my walking boots, then I need to be taken down a peg or two. The big names who didn’t respond to e mail quest (enabling me to name drop through tagging them, and thereby getting tons of followers) did just that. Therefore, my blog still isn’t a viable proposition for would be advertisers, paying lots of dosh for my fundraising. I know B meant to be consoling when she told me they might have thought I was a bit of cheap meat – spam I think she actually said – but, quite frankly, I didn’t find it in the least consoling. It has dented but not altogether destroyed my faith in the two legged variety because, BIG BECAUSE, I did get a few responses with kind and encouraging words and they were from v. v. v. BIG names: Roy Hattersley, a mystery celebratory, Elton John and, Julia Bradbury who just recently sent me a present to thank me for being friends, how cool is that. Julia and her team at The Outdoor Guide, are doing their best to help me get recognised and I am v. v. v grateful to them. The comments of my celebrity fans are at the end of the welcome post that fronts up my blog. With such warm sentiments ringing in my ears how could I not be elevated to the very top of the triangle, with the best of them, going for gold.
Level five – self-actualisation needs
I’d say this is a work in progress, 47 Munros down and a mere 235 to go. I did manage to climb the equivalent height of Everest this year and, of course, I have my literary ambitions – to get a book of my own published one day.
View on the way up Geal Charn
Geal Charn, Monadhliath – my Everest
At the base of the Geal Charn walk
With such a lovely life and so much going for me, I’m looking forward to doing a bit more of this self-actualising stuff in the coming year and, guess what, I’ll let you all about it. But, not before…
It was a present from The TOG team (click Mickey,) to thank me for sharing my blog on their fantastic web site; wasn’t that jolly nice. As well as making me look fabulous all the time they are also brilliant for wearing in hot weather, especially after being dipped in a lovely cool mountain stream. Continue reading →
Friends, collies and Barky Bark (translation below),
Thank you everyone for entering into the spirit of my Christmas competition. Do drop me a comment below if you have enjoyed playing and if you have any ideas for future competitions. Continue reading →
… and a very warm welcome to my dog blog. I’m so pleased that you’ve found me. I do hope you will enjoy reading about the trials and tribulations of my great adventure. I would love it if you joined in the saga by dropping me a line in the comments box. As you will see I’m going to need all the support I can get.
this my v. v. v big tail!
I started my blog in 2015 as a young orphan puppy, from West Cumbria in the United Kingdom. It records how – by walking over 1,000 miles and climbing the 282 Scottish mountains over 3.000 feet (The Munros) – I aim to raise £32,000 for two v. v. v good causes. I have promised not to use any of the dosh for even a tiny morsel of a treat, how hard is that? Me, an agile young collie and my person – a creaky aging thing (called B) – aim to complete the task by the time I am 10 and she is 70. We are to spend many hours in some of the most wonderful and remote parts of the UK: walking, camping, eating, drinking, writing and growing ever closer and closer.
The money we raise will be spilt between a charity for search and rescue dogs, and Canine Partners, which trains assistance dogs to support disabled people. These dogs are sooooooo clever. This is Bumble and Sandra’s story. I am in love with Bumble.
There are film clips of the clever canines at work below. If after watching them you think what amazing creatures we dogs really are, and you wanted to support their work, you could always drop me a penny or two for my fundraising, just here :