Friends, collies and little Buzz,
A great big welcome Buzz, to your new home and the extended family. I thought I would offer you some hard learned advice from an old paw who has been there, done that and… they nearly got me to wear the T shirt.
Here are 10 top tips for dealing with the human kind during your first few weeks.
1. Suspend Disbelief
Oh Buzz, it is such a strange place that you have been catapulted into. The world of two legged things is such a mysterious cavern and all we can do is navigate the contours of their lives with charm and wit. The first lesson is pretend you know every word they say. Cocking the head, in a display of trying to understand, seems to ignite something that might bring you a treat or two. The hard truth is that we are very good at getting to understand their language, not many of them take the time to truly understand ours.
2. Behave impeccably
Go gently into this foreign land and lure them into a false sense of security. Lots of tail wagging and doleful looks seems to do the job, in addition to a pretence of obedience: coming when you are called, sitting when commanded and that pathetic gesture of begging for treats with paw held dangling in mid air. I know it’s all a bit demeaning but it’s just a holding measure. The real fun can come when they think you are the best thing since sliced bread, whatever that means.
3. Forget the soft furnishings (for now)
However tempting they appear, stay off the soft furnishings. When to attempt the leap is a judgement call that comes with age. I always knew my bipeds were a soft touch in this department so had occupied my rightful place, on the sofa, within a couple of weeks. Word has it (from a little Norfolk bird) that your people are a little more determined. My advice is to play the long game though, if they should forget to close the living room door, JUST GO FOR IT.
Update for readers – clever Buzz, clearly you have done a good job, on the wrapping the humans around your little paw, offensive, and have sorted them out. I am full of admiration. GOOD ON YOU, little boy.
4. Dining In
Eat everything within sight or smell. You just never know when they’ll forget to feed you. Admittedly, it hasn’t happened to me yet but I’m not hedging my bets. How many sausages did you manage at the Barbecue last night? By the way, there’s some lovely licking to be done around that machine in the kitchen that generates heat about 6 o’clock every night 🙂
Don’t eat quite everything within sight or smell. The lovely full plates at the table next to yours are definitely off bounds. Just Let your people know what a struggle it is to contain your interest and what embarrassment you are saving them from. After that juicy treats are bound to come quick and fast.
5. Remember the Ann Robinson Manoeuvre
Go for the weakest link. There always is one. Do the adorable eye contact bit. Stick to them like super glue and, if they dare to say NO, look like you have never, EVER, been so offended.
6. Best boy
Don’t offend the guests. You can get away with so ooooo much if you behave nicely when the visitors arrive. Let’s face it, your people want to show you off as the best thing since… well, that bread thing again. Let them down and you’ll be toast. Play up and play their game. It will give you so much mileage for mischief later on (hee, hee).
7. Transport captain
Try your very, very best not to correct the driver. I know, I know… it’s very scary and they often go the wrong way – mainly to the shops, instead of the park. Later on you can correct their woeful mistakes. I find that a paw on the drivers shoulder brings them up with a start. I think that’s what’s called a back bark driver.
8. The Queen’s Head
Don’t attack the postie. It’s brilliant fun later but, wait until you have got your self under the duvet every night. Then it’s the right time to test out the tenderness of the ankles sent by the Royal Mail. If however, the wait is too frustrating go for the mail itself instead. I’ve found that chewing up the brown envelopes doesn’t provoke too much recrimination.
9. Cuddle up
Don’t forget the cuddles. It has to be admitted that this is a win, win situation but don’t ever let on that you love it too. There’s a thing called unconditional love that we are meant to specialise in. Don’t, whatever you do, let them know that there are strings attached. They roll over and give us what we want anyway, if you abide by the rules above.
10. Don’t forget the bard
During this early, trying period, retain your dignity. Never forget that you are observing these cardinal rules so that, in a little while, you can assert your true personality: DIGGING, SNAPPING, BARKING, RUNNING OFF, GENERALLY PLAYING MAYHEM… By this time you will be able to do whatever you like WITH IMPUNITY.
“This above all: to thine own self be true”.
I can’t wait to meet you. Do drop me a bark in the comments box below to let me know how you are getting on.
In the meantime, must sleep.
Lots of love